Finding Love
I have given many talks on the topic of finding love and creating a deeply satisfying relationship. I always start by telling people that the most important thing for finding true love is to WANT a loving relationship with all our heart.
We need to admit that we are missing something and deeply desire someone to fill in our sense of deficiency. In other words, we need to accept and own our need for a relationship. This seems like a very common sense thing to advise - almost banal - but no sooner have I said these things that many people in the audience will object.
People will tell me that they do not feel deficient, that they do not 'need' a relationship and that they believe that they can only find a relationship when they feel whole and complete in yourself.
My experience as a relationship counselor is different. People who feel whole and complete in themselves usually do not have a relationship. Typically, they can't be bothered with all the trouble that arises in even the most loving relationships and - what's worse - they are not very attractive to others as a partner, either.
Why are they not attractive?
Because people like to feel needed and a very independent person can not offer this. For example, who would like to be in a relationship with someone who says to them over a romantic dinner, 'it's lovely to be with you here but I don't need you and I don't need this dinner with you. I would be just as happy alone, reading a book or being with my friends."?
In my experience, most people would find such an amount of self-sufficiency off-putting.
So, the first step for finding love is to give up too much self-sufficiency and own our need for a partner. In the second step we need to create a feeling (or a vibration) of love in our life even while we are still single. Doing this will create on an emotional level a vibration that mimics the vibration of having a 'real relationship'. Once we can hold this vibration for some time it will effortlessly manifest in our life.
This process is the basic dynamic for anything we would like to manifest in our life.
How can we create a 'love vibration' in our life even without a partner? We start by loving ourselves in the way we would like to be loved by a partner.
"WE ACCEPT OURSELVES WITH ALL OUR WEAKNESSES AND SHORTCOMINGS JUST LIKE MOTHER WOULD LOVE HER CHILD."
However, we also try to improve ourselves to be the most attractive person for our future partner in body, mind and soul. Improving ourselves will be so much easier when we feel this basic love towards ourselves.
In the third step we imagine being together with a wonderful partner. This is a basic visualization exercise that is recommended in every self-help book about manifestation.
However, here comes an important twist on this practice. It is very important to notice the most shadowy feelings of negativity when we are imagining our perfect relationship. Are there some little fears, doubts or any other form of resistance?
For example, many of my clients report feelings of fear of being rejected or hurt in some way. Quite a few of my clients are also worried that a relationship may tie them down too much or could be boring. There are many forms of fears and doubts and at this point our most important job is to become aware of them.
Why is this awareness so important?
Because it is those fears and doubts that are responsible for not finding enough love in our life. So, we need to look at these inner barriers and dismantle them one by one.
For example, if we have an unconscious fear that our potential partner could be boring or unfaithful we need to visualize more excitement and long term faithfulness. Doing this can sometimes be a challenge but it will be easier if we can send love to our imaginary partner.
The last step is to make ourselves available by going to places where we can meet potential partners. The best places are those where people meet with similar values and interests in life.
When we follow all four of these steps
* Having a strong desire for a partner.
* Developing a vibration of love.
* Dissolving our unconscious resistance.
* Making ourselves available.
it will only be a matter until we find true love.
For more information and self-help for finding love and improving our relationship, please refer to my books Soulmate Relationships and Make Your Dreams Come True.
GENE'S COMMENTS:
I feel this article gets right to the heart of problems people face when trying to find the right partner.
The biggest issue for most is getting rid of the emotional baggage from previous relationships; which inadvertently cause us to "resist" getting involved in another situation that could potentially create the same or similar problems.
Here is a simple technique I learned from one of Louise Hay's amazing books to help you eliminate that emotional baggage and free you to move forward:
Visualize an umbilical cord attaching you to your previous partner. Then take an imaginary pair of scissors and cut this umbilical cord and watch as it shrivels up. Say good bye to your previous partner.
Simple - yet extremely effective in eliminating the emotional ties we carry from any past relationships. Try it! I'm am confident you will be pleasantly surprised with the results.
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